Tag Archives: random

Friday Cutions

Words ending with -cution are surprisingly similar!

allocution
noun
a formal speech giving advice or a warning.

elocution
noun
the skill of clear and expressive speech, esp. of distinct pronunciation and articulation.

electrocution
verb [ trans. ]
a formal “speech” giving “advice”, esp. of “distinct” lightning bolts.

I don’t think that last one means what I think it means.

More Dongs on a Friday. Surprise!!

Due to popular demand, mkdong has been modularized!!  I present to you dong.py version 0.0.1.

Enjoy:

#!/usr/bin/env python

''' MKdong turned into a module. I think I was smoking crack and/or high on Red Bull this day.

Dong goes into underpants Dong goes into boxers Dong goes into vagina Sperm comes out of dong Sperm goes into vagina Sperm goes into egg Dong goes into mouth Pee comes out of dong Pee goes into toilet Why am I iterating this crap? '''

import os, sys

blue = '\\e[0;34m' # blue

class Dong:

def __init__(self, maxlen=40, color=blue):
    self.maxlen = maxlen
    self.color  = color
    self.dong   = None

def mkdong(self):
    self.dong = '(_)/(_)'
    for i in range(self.maxlen): self.dong += '/'
    self.dong += 'D'
    os.system('echo -e "%s%s"' % (self.color, self.dong))

class Sperm(Dong): def init(self, count=500): self.count = count self.spermcount() Dong.init(self)

def __repr__(self):
    return '' % self.count

def tighty_whities(self):
    print 'Tighty Whities lowered your sperm count!'
    self.count -= 50

def boxers(self):
    print 'Boxers raised your sperm count!'
    self.count += 50

def spermcount(self):
    print 'Sperm count is %d' % self.count

def bike_seat(self):
    print 'asdjfoisadjs'
    pass

def radiation(self):
    print ':-x'
    pass

def castration(self):
    print ':('
    pass

def smoke(self):
    print 'awwww yeahhhhh.'
    pass

class Egg(Sperm): pass

if name == 'main':

try:
    donglen = int(sys.argv[1])
except:
    print "usage: mkdong "
    sys.exit()

if donglen > maxlen:
    print 'warning: a %s" dong is too big! cannot be longer than %s"!' % (donglen, maxlen)
    sys.exit()
else:
    d = dong(donglen)
    d.mkdong()</pre>

There's really no excuse. I should be ashamed of myself but I'm not.

Blue Dongs for a Friday Afternoon

Today I wrote an awesome program called mkdong that will make a dong of your desired length and print it to your terminal, like this:

% ./mkdong
usage: mkdong <length>
% ./mkdong 5
()/()/////D
% ./mkdong 25
()/()/////////////////////////D
That last one is impressive, isn’t it? Hmm… Yeah, it’s Friday. What do you want from me? I still got work done! Cool thing is if the dong is too big, well then it throws an error:
% ./mkdong 60
warning: a 60" dong is too big! cannot be longer than 40"!
“What is the point of this?”, you might ask yourself. That’s a good question. I’ve been so busy with other shit lately that I’ve barely had time to code. I suppose I was itching to write something, anything… Dongs!!

It all started harmlessly enough with a silly AIM conversation with my coding buddy at work. We were talking about a bug, and well, read on and you’ll see. It regressed quickly.

jughead: well there is the problem, now I just gotta figure out wtf jathanism: what did you do! jughead: nothing, it’s something in the rt stuff jathanism: hmm, maybe with a certain ticket jathanism: maybe one that is blank or something jathanism: or missing xml data jathanism: or might be a bug jughead: ok from now on jughead: bugs are not bugs jughead: they are dongs jathanism: ok jughead: “I found a dong in this code” jathanism: or might be a dong jughead: #1 deterrent of all linux exploits jughead: change root account to “poop”, chown -R poop.poop / jughead: no uid 0 jughead: no user root jathanism: what? jathanism: you rename uid 0 to poop ? jughead: poop will get it’s own uid jughead: and gid jathanism: oh jathanism: would that work? jathanism: there aren’t any hard-coded things to uid 0? jughead: no idea, lets try it jathanism: yeah let’s try it on marduk! jughead: hahahahfdsaf jughead: dsfa jughead: hmm…. /dev/ would have to be rebuilt jughead: MKNOD jughead: hate that shit jughead: MAKEDEV jughead: FUCK YOU LINUX jathanism: mkdong jathanism: aww yeah jathanism: i just made mkdong jathanism: % ./mkdong 5 8====0 jathanism: % ./mkdong 15 8==============0 jathanism: % ./mkdong 25 8========================0 jathanism: % ./mkdong 41 warning: a 41″ dong is too big! cannot be longer than 40″! jughead: you should modify that jughead: ()/()\\\\\\\\\\\\\\D jathanism: hahahlk jughead: looks much better jathanism: ok! jathanism: % ./mkdong 40 ()/()\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\D jathanism: aww yeah

So I took the stupidity and ran with it and mkdong was born!

The initial dongs were a little primitive and sickly looking. So I took his suggestion and improved their visual style. Here is how it turned out:

#!/usr/bin/env python

import sys

maxlen = 40

try: donglen = int(sys.argv[1]) except: print "usage: mkdong <length>" sys.exit()

if donglen > maxlen: print 'warning: a %s" dong is too big! cannot be longer than %s"!' % (donglen, maxlen) sys.exit() else: dong = '()/()' for i in range(1, donglen): dong += "\" dong += 'D'

print dong We laughed. We joked. We Tweeted. And then it regressed even further:

jughead: dude everyone loves mkdong jathanism: aww yeah jathanism: it needs easter eggs jughead: DUDE jughead: MAKE IT PRINT IN BLUE jathanism: ok! jughead: how exactly does one “suck a fuck” jathanism: the ascii coloring fucks up the length jughead: you can just put the blue at the beginning jughead: and at the end jughead: doesn’t have to be each char jathanism: it’s not jughead: is there a dong in the code? jathanism: /tmp/mkdong 5 jathanism: will just use forward slashes instad jathanism: released jughead: man mkdong is the best ever

A feature request! I had to make it print in blue! But to do that I had to replace all of the “\” that make up the dong itself, with “/” so as to not have the ANSI escape codes eat up the extra backslashes. (Backslashes are interpreted characters, duh.) I also had to replace the print statement with a system call to echo -e so that the colorization would be interpreted. This is high tech shit, man!!

And then I released it to the public. So there you have it. Here is the final release of mkdong 2.0 for your pleasure:

#!/usr/bin/env python

import os, sys

maxlen = 40 color = '\\e[0;34m' # blue

try: donglen = int(sys.argv[1]) except: print "usage: mkdong <length>" sys.exit()

if donglen > maxlen: print 'warning: a %s" dong is too big! cannot be longer than %s"!' % (donglen, maxlen) sys.exit() else: dong = '()/()' for i in range(donglen): dong += '/' dong += 'D'

os.system('echo -e "%s%s"' % (color, dong)) Use it well. And remember they aren’t bugs, they’re dongs! Squish? Gross.

Quaker’s Original Oatmeal Tastes Like Original Crap

I would so kill for some of this right now.

I would so kill for some of this right now.

Strolled into work today at zero-dog-thirty, which I think translates roughly to “seven-thirty-four” in human terms.

Waltzed into the kitchen to make myself a bowl of Maple & Brown Sugar flavored oatmeal only to discover in horror and shock and also awe that there was nothing but Original flavor left! The place where there is normally an even distribution of each flavor was clandestinely filled with Original flavor by someone who I’m sure is of ill repute.  As if I wouldn’t notice!

That’s when panic set in.

“Is there a plot against me?”

“Are they trying to get me to quit?!”

I checked all the cabinets, rifled thru the packets of Original and after doing that four or five times, concluded that if I was going to eat breakfast this was my only chance. So made myself the usual double helping thinking, “Ah, fuck it, how bad can it be?” How bad can it be indeed!

Please God, make it stop.

Please God, make it stop.

I proceeded to my desk, ate a big bite, and found that it’s like spooning mouthfuls of mushy, wet toilet paper into my face. Sustenance must prevail!!

No way can I do this. This shit sucks! Who eats this crap?! Because that’s what it is. Crap. I needs my maple & brown sugar!! But I’m so hungry… UGHHH…

This isn’t breakfast.  This is punishment!