Friday Cutions
Words ending with -cution are surprisingly similar!
allocution
noun
a formal speech giving advice or a warning.
elocution
noun
the skill of clear and expressive speech, esp. of distinct pronunciation and articulation.
electrocution
verb [ trans. ]
a formal “speech” giving “advice”, esp. of “distinct” lightning bolts.
I don’t think that last one means what I think it means.
04.7.10All you need to know is…
Doodling is awesome!!
What am I?
A bald, large-breasted bust mounted on a banana stand? I’m so confused! This is what meetings do to my mind.
A doodle of a kitty cat
Done with red, green, & black fine point Sharpies
So far this year, I haven’t been blogging much at all, so today I decided I’m going to start sharing my taste for “fine” art with the internet. At the very least I’ll be posting all of the random crap I doodle to fill the gaps between witty outbursts or technical diatribes.
More Dongs on a Friday. Surprise!!
Due to popular demand, mkdong has been modularized!! I present to you dong.py version 0.0.1.
Enjoy:
#!/usr/bin/env python
''' MKdong turned into a module. I think I was smoking crack and/or high on Red Bull this day.
Dong goes into underpants Dong goes into boxers Dong goes into vagina Sperm comes out of dong Sperm goes into vagina Sperm goes into egg Dong goes into mouth Pee comes out of dong Pee goes into toilet Why am I iterating this crap? '''
import os, sys
blue = '\\e[0;34m' # blue
class Dong:
def __init__(self, maxlen=40, color=blue):
self.maxlen = maxlen
self.color = color
self.dong = None
def mkdong(self):
self.dong = '(_)/(_)'
for i in range(self.maxlen): self.dong += '/'
self.dong += 'D'
os.system('echo -e "%s%s"' % (self.color, self.dong))
class Sperm(Dong): def init(self, count=500): self.count = count self.spermcount() Dong.init(self)
def __repr__(self):
return '' % self.count
def tighty_whities(self):
print 'Tighty Whities lowered your sperm count!'
self.count -= 50
def boxers(self):
print 'Boxers raised your sperm count!'
self.count += 50
def spermcount(self):
print 'Sperm count is %d' % self.count
def bike_seat(self):
print 'asdjfoisadjs'
pass
def radiation(self):
print ':-x'
pass
def castration(self):
print ':('
pass
def smoke(self):
print 'awwww yeahhhhh.'
pass
class Egg(Sperm): pass
if name == 'main':
try:
donglen = int(sys.argv[1])
except:
print "usage: mkdong "
sys.exit()
if donglen > maxlen:
print 'warning: a %s" dong is too big! cannot be longer than %s"!' % (donglen, maxlen)
sys.exit()
else:
d = dong(donglen)
d.mkdong()</pre>
There’s really no excuse. I should be ashamed of myself but I’m not.
| Posted in Python | No Comments »
Oh God Why Does This Turn Me On?!
I got nothin’.
So wrong, yet oh so right.
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Blue Dongs for a Friday Afternoon
Today I wrote an awesome program called mkdong that will make a dong of your desired length and print it to your terminal, like this:
% ./mkdong usage: mkdong <length> % ./mkdong 5 ()/()/////D % ./mkdong 25 ()/()/////////////////////////DThat last one is impressive, isn’t it? Hmm… Yeah, it’s Friday. What do you want from me? I still got work done! Cool thing is if the dong is too big, well then it throws an error:
% ./mkdong 60 warning: a 60" dong is too big! cannot be longer than 40"!“What is the point of this?”, you might ask yourself. That’s a good question. I’ve been so busy with other shit lately that I’ve barely had time to code. I suppose I was itching to write something, anything… Dongs!!
It all started harmlessly enough with a silly AIM conversation with my coding buddy at work. We were talking about a bug, and well, read on and you’ll see. It regressed quickly.
So I took the stupidity and ran with it and mkdong was born!
The initial dongs were a little primitive and sickly looking. So I took his suggestion and improved their visual style. Here is how it turned out:
#!/usr/bin/env python
import sys
maxlen = 40
try: donglen = int(sys.argv[1]) except: print "usage: mkdong <length>" sys.exit()
if donglen > maxlen: print 'warning: a %s" dong is too big! cannot be longer than %s"!' % (donglen, maxlen) sys.exit() else: dong = '()/()' for i in range(1, donglen): dong += "\" dong += 'D'
print dong We laughed. We joked. We Tweeted. And then it regressed even further:
A feature request! I had to make it print in blue! But to do that I had to replace all of the “\” that make up the dong itself, with “/” so as to not have the ANSI escape codes eat up the extra backslashes. (Backslashes are interpreted characters, duh.) I also had to replace the print statement with a system call to echo -e so that the colorization would be interpreted. This is high tech shit, man!!
And then I released it to the public. So there you have it. Here is the final release of mkdong 2.0 for your pleasure:
#!/usr/bin/env python
import os, sys
maxlen = 40 color = '\\e[0;34m' # blue
try: donglen = int(sys.argv[1]) except: print "usage: mkdong <length>" sys.exit()
if donglen > maxlen: print 'warning: a %s" dong is too big! cannot be longer than %s"!' % (donglen, maxlen) sys.exit() else: dong = '()/()' for i in range(donglen): dong += '/' dong += 'D'
os.system('echo -e "%s%s"' % (color, dong)) Use it well. And remember they aren’t bugs, they’re dongs! Squish? Gross.
| Posted in Life, Python | 3 Comments »
Quaker’s Original Oatmeal Tastes Like Original Crap
I would so kill for some of this right now.
Strolled into work today at zero-dog-thirty, which I think translates roughly to “seven-thirty-four” in human terms.
Waltzed into the kitchen to make myself a bowl of Maple & Brown Sugar flavored oatmeal only to discover in horror and shock and also awe that there was nothing but Original flavor left! The place where there is normally an even distribution of each flavor was clandestinely filled with Original flavor by someone who I’m sure is of ill repute. As if I wouldn’t notice!
That’s when panic set in.
“Is there a plot against me?”
“Are they trying to get me to quit?!”
I checked all the cabinets, rifled thru the packets of Original and after doing that four or five times, concluded that if I was going to eat breakfast this was my only chance. So made myself the usual double helping thinking, “Ah, fuck it, how bad can it be?” How bad can it be indeed!
Please God, make it stop.
I proceeded to my desk, ate a big bite, and found that it’s like spooning mouthfuls of mushy, wet toilet paper into my face. Sustenance must prevail!!
No way can I do this. This shit sucks! Who eats this crap?! Because that’s what it is. Crap. I needs my maple & brown sugar!! But I’m so hungry… UGHHH…
This isn’t breakfast. This is punishment!
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