allocution
noun
a formal speech giving advice or a warning.

elocution
noun
the skill of clear and expressive speech, esp. of distinct pronunciation and articulation.

electrocution
verb [ trans. ]
a formal “speech” giving “advice”, esp. of “distinct” lightning bolts.

I don’t think that last one means what I think it means.

Done with red, green, & black fine point Sharpies

So far this year, I haven’t been blogging much at all, so today I decided I’m going to start sharing my taste for “fine” art with the internet. At the very least I’ll be posting all of the random crap I doodle to fill the gaps between witty outbursts or technical diatribes.

Enjoy:

#!/usr/bin/env python

''' MKdong turned into a module. I think I was smoking crack and/or high on Red Bull this day.

Dong goes into underpants Dong goes into boxers Dong goes into vagina Sperm comes out of dong Sperm goes into vagina Sperm goes into egg Dong goes into mouth Pee comes out of dong Pee goes into toilet Why am I iterating this crap? '''

import os, sys

blue = '\\e[0;34m' # blue

class Dong:

def __init__(self, maxlen=40, color=blue):
    self.maxlen = maxlen
    self.color  = color
    self.dong   = None

def mkdong(self):
    self.dong = '(_)/(_)'
    for i in range(self.maxlen): self.dong += '/'
    self.dong += 'D'
    os.system('echo -e "%s%s"' % (self.color, self.dong))

class Sperm(Dong): def init(self, count=500): self.count = count self.spermcount() Dong.init(self)

def __repr__(self):
    return '' % self.count

def tighty_whities(self):
    print 'Tighty Whities lowered your sperm count!'
    self.count -= 50

def boxers(self):
    print 'Boxers raised your sperm count!'
    self.count += 50

def spermcount(self):
    print 'Sperm count is %d' % self.count

def bike_seat(self):
    print 'asdjfoisadjs'
    pass

def radiation(self):
    print ':-x'
    pass

def castration(self):
    print ':('
    pass

def smoke(self):
    print 'awwww yeahhhhh.'
    pass

class Egg(Sperm): pass

if name == 'main':

try:
    donglen = int(sys.argv[1])
except:
    print "usage: mkdong "
    sys.exit()

if donglen > maxlen:
    print 'warning: a %s" dong is too big! cannot be longer than %s"!' % (donglen, maxlen)
    sys.exit()
else:
    d = dong(donglen)
    d.mkdong()</pre>

There’s really no excuse. I should be ashamed of myself but I’m not.

% ./mkdong
usage: mkdong <length>
% ./mkdong 5
()/()/////D
% ./mkdong 25
()/()/////////////////////////D

% ./mkdong 60
warning: a 60" dong is too big! cannot be longer than 40"!

It all started harmlessly enough with a silly AIM conversation with my coding buddy at work. We were talking about a bug, and well, read on and you’ll see. It regressed quickly.

The initial dongs were a little primitive and sickly looking. So I took his suggestion and improved their visual style. Here is how it turned out:

#!/usr/bin/env python

import sys

maxlen = 40

try: donglen = int(sys.argv[1]) except: print "usage: mkdong <length>" sys.exit()

if donglen > maxlen: print 'warning: a %s" dong is too big! cannot be longer than %s"!' % (donglen, maxlen) sys.exit() else: dong = '()/()' for i in range(1, donglen): dong += "\" dong += 'D'

print dong We laughed. We joked. We Tweeted. And then it regressed even further:

And then I released it to the public. So there you have it. Here is the final release of mkdong 2.0 for your pleasure:

#!/usr/bin/env python

import os, sys

maxlen = 40 color = '\\e[0;34m' # blue

try: donglen = int(sys.argv[1]) except: print "usage: mkdong <length>" sys.exit()

if donglen > maxlen: print 'warning: a %s" dong is too big! cannot be longer than %s"!' % (donglen, maxlen) sys.exit() else: dong = '()/()' for i in range(donglen): dong += '/' dong += 'D'

os.system('echo -e "%s%s"' % (color, dong)) Use it well. And remember they aren’t bugs, they’re dongs! Squish? Gross.

I would so kill for some of this right now.

Strolled into work today at zero-dog-thirty, which I think translates roughly to “seven-thirty-four” in human terms.

Waltzed into the kitchen to make myself a bowl of Maple & Brown Sugar flavored oatmeal only to discover in horror and shock and also awe that there was nothing but Original flavor left! The place where there is normally an even distribution of each flavor was clandestinely filled with Original flavor by someone who I’m sure is of ill repute.  As if I wouldn’t notice!

That’s when panic set in.

“Is there a plot against me?”

“Are they trying to get me to quit?!”

I checked all the cabinets, rifled thru the packets of Original and after doing that four or five times, concluded that if I was going to eat breakfast this was my only chance. So made myself the usual double helping thinking, “Ah, fuck it, how bad can it be?” How bad can it be indeed!

Please God, make it stop.

I proceeded to my desk, ate a big bite, and found that it’s like spooning mouthfuls of mushy, wet toilet paper into my face. Sustenance must prevail!!

No way can I do this. This shit sucks! Who eats this crap?! Because that’s what it is. Crap. I needs my maple & brown sugar!! But I’m so hungry… UGHHH…

This isn’t breakfast.  This is punishment!